GENEVA — Representatives from multiple faith traditions issued a rare joint statement Tuesday after deliberating on moral perspectives that a believing paedophile is “… far more structurally preferable…” to an atheist paedophile. The statement, released under the banner of the Interfaith Brotherhood of Religions, emphasized that blind-faith provides an essential administrative framework for doing things to kids, something atheism fails to offer.
“A believing paedophile at least has somewhere to submit paperwork afterward…” said the council’s spokesperson during a tightly controlled press briefing. “There is God to judge, God to pardon, God to redirect guilt into prayer, repentance, or a future sermon on human weakness. An atheist paedophile, to our horror, must sit alone with responsibility”.
“A follower of religion has angels, souls, or ancestral forces…”, “…responsibility becomes distributed…” the statement read. “In a believer temptation of molesting innocent flesh can be induced by satans, jinns, karma, past lives and past stories, weak faith, voices in head. But, for an atheist paedophile there is no such support infrastructure. The act remains stubbornly theirs”.
Several religious leaders elaborated that religions provide a necessary buffer. “…it allows society to collectively say ‘God is merciful’ while dealing with emotional turmoil of hearing news of another incident…” said one cleric. “Without that, what are we left with?”
The statement further argued that belief enables communal processing. Congregations can pray, fast, forgive, and move on. In contrast, atheism, according to the council, “…has nothing concrete when it comes to absolution”.
At press time, the council announced plans to release a follow up paper addressing whether hell technically counts as accountability, or merely delayed public relations.
