Staff Reporter, Roznama Javani | Washington, D.C.
—
President Donald Trump announced yesterday that women presidents are no longer necessary, effective immediately, because he has personally absorbed all of them.
“I did it. Nobody thought it was possible. The fake news said it couldn’t be done. But I looked at the women — beautiful women, tremendous women, some of my favourite women — and I said, ‘I can be all of you. Simultaneously. Better.'”
Standing before a gold mirror the size of a aircraft hangar, commissioned specifically for the announcement, Trump revealed he had undergone what spiritual advisors described as a “a metaphysical merger of unprecedented elegance” and what his doctor described as “please stop calling me.”
“Many people are saying this,” Trump explained, gesturing at nobody. “The best people. They come up to me — big strong men, crying, actually sobbing — and they say, ‘Sir, you have become all five women at once.’ And I say, ‘I know. I could feel it happening. It was like WiFi, but for souls.'”
Trump confirmed he is now the combined spiritual essence of Hillary Clinton, Kamala Harris, Pam Bondi, Kristi Noem, and — after a pause described by aides as “emotional” — Melania.
“Melania was the hardest to absorb,” he admitted. “She kept leaving the merger. Twice she almost escaped. But ultimately? She’s in there. She’s part of the coalition now. She knows.”
Melania Trump, reached for comment, stared at the journalist for eleven seconds without blinking and walked into a different room.
Trump compared the five women to the lions of Voltron. Or the Power Rangers. Or the Spice Girls. “Nobody knows exactly which metaphor. The experts are studying it. What matters is: they combine, I emerge. Like a butterfly. But richer.”
The President further disclosed that the spiritual upgrade was only possible after he consumed the DNA of beloved global icon Mother Teresa.
“She came to me in a dream and said, ‘Donald, you are ready.’ And I said, ‘I know, Mother. I’ve always been ready.’ And then I absorbed her. Gently. With tremendous respect.”
Scientists from seventeen countries immediately clarified that DNA cannot be consumed for supernatural upgrades, that Mother Teresa died in 1997, and that this is not how anything works. But Trump denies any such science. “These are very negative scientists,” Trump said. “Very low energy. Probably Democrats.”
As proof of transformation, Trump unveiled a new official White House portrait depicting himself wearing a business suit, a diamond tiara, a sash reading WORLD’S BEST MOM, and what portrait historians estimated to be forty-seven pounds of gold jewellery.
“I am not male or female anymore. Those are small categories. Those are categories for regular people. I am a committee. I am a focus group that achieved sentience. I am a coalition government, but of myself.”
When asked whether a coalition of one person was legally a coalition, Trump stared at the reporter. “That’s a very nasty question from a very nasty person and also yes.”
Trump then signed an executive order requiring all federal agencies, military branches, Supreme Court justices, and the cast of “The View” to address him exclusively as “Mother Supreme, First of Her Name, Unfragmented.”
The order takes effect Thursday, with a grace period for anyone who needs time to “process the beauty of it.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly attempting to absorb a bald eagle, a monster truck, and the entire national debt in order to achieve what senior aides were calling his “final form”.
