ROME — A recently uncovered and aggressively footnoted translation of an early Gospel manuscript has sparked controversy across religious communities after the discovery that it contains passages permitting Christians to kill blasphemers who do not ascibe to Christ’s God-status. This has prompted deep concerns among Muslim leaders who say the development could not only complicate an already competitive landscape, but also threatens lives. Jews are just scared shitless at the discovery.
The translation, presented this week at a theological conference, confirms that several verses previously understood as symbolic are in fact “context-dependent authorizations for piety”. According to the translators, the original text had been misunderstood for centuries due to “…excessive and unrequired emphasis on mercy”. It appears that the discovery essentially restores a more “action-oriented” reading of faith.
“… and it’s all about accountability. Extremely final accountability”, said one of the scholars involved in the discovery of Gospels.
The Vatican has not released any statement but Roznama Javani sources deep inside the Church have informed that they are trying to assess this situation where it seemed that Christians “…might just get their teeth back”.
Muslim scholars, however, expressed unease, noting that the discovery threatens to disrupt long-standing assumptions about which religions are allowed to be casually accused of extremism.
Muslim leaders, however, expressed concern that the development could normalize a behavior pattern they say they have spent decades being exclusively blamed for.
“We were told this was our thing,” said one Islamic scholar. “Now suddenly it’s transferable?”
Another Islamic scholar on guarantee of anonymity said, “We had it coming…”.
In a press conference by Ben Shapiro immediately called after the theological conference, Shapiro stated that “…it has always been my personal point of view that it was the Romans… who… you know…”. He added that “…still from what we know of Jesus is that he was a Jew who loved to forgive and forget and move on…”, emphasising on the word “Jew”. He further said, “…technically, this Gospel and the standard of moral authority falls under the umbrella of Judaism, and it automatically means it cannot be applied back upon people of Jewish faith…”.
After the press conference Ben Shapiro was seen drinking a lot of water and nervously looking around.
