KARACHI — An internal Employee Sensory Performance (ESP) assessment leaked Tuesday has determined that a significant portion of lost man hours at a local financial firm already facing a tax-fraud probe can be attributed to what the report categorizes as “persistent cleavage-related cognitive drift,” despite the fact that the entire staff is male.
The 47-page document concludes that employees were “preoccupied with various forms, shapes, memories, projections, approximations, or anticipated future occurrences of cleavage,” resulting in measurable productivity slowdowns across multiple departments. The report notes that no visual stimulus was present on-site, yet mental displacement remained “well above acceptable functional thresholds.”
According to the assessment, staff members demonstrated “recurring internal imagery cycles,” with several employees reportedly losing track of time during routine tasks after entering what the report describes as “self-generated reverie sequences.” One section states that these episodes occurred “autonomously and without external prompt,” suggesting a systemic issue rather than isolated lapses.
The report additionally includes a special brief hygiene advisory naming senior accountant Mahboob Sheikh as “the only employee who consistently avoids handwashing after restroom use.” The document advises all staff to refrain from shaking his hand “under any circumstances,” citing general health guidelines, but clarifies that colleagues are “…still encouraged to hug him, as this does not pose the same immediate sanitary risk.”
