Ontario — The research fellows at the University of Western Ontario have made public a detailed study which was conducted to understand the “bharams” that are usually boasted by all the Hira Faizans of the World. The study was funded by a single private donor based in Karachi who, according to university sources, was “emotionally invested and increasingly irritated”. Researchers stated that the project aimed to determine whether Hira Faizans were, in fact, too cool for their own long-term wellbeing.
“Hira Faizans operate under the assumption that the world is vaguely indebted to them,” said lead researcher Dr. James D. Walker during a press conference. “They often believe that having well-maintained black hair and selective emotional distance elevates them above ordinary social obligations. Our data suggests this belief is inaccurate”.
Dr. Walker explained that while many people exhibit similar behavioral traits, Hira Faizans represent a concentrated and purer form of the condition. “We struggled to categorize the behavior until a colleague from Pakistan introduced us to the appropriate indigenous terminology: bharam. Medically speaking, we have identified a condition best described as Useless Bharam Syndrome.”
Further findings revealed consistent communication avoidance patterns. According to the study, Hira Faizans demonstrate a strong reluctance to reply to polite emails from non-threatening strangers who are not part of an existing social orbit.
“They believe silence signals mystique…” said Inayat Soomro, a research associate tasked with analyzing social media behavior. “But our models show it more often signals sadness, or worse, early marriage”. Mr. Soomro clarified that while ignoring emails is not inherently immoral, failure to respond to messages from objectively handsome, well-intentioned individuals indicates a deeper perceptual impairment.
Mr. Soomro further noted that many Hira Faizans curate romantic imagery online — sunsets, the Taj Mahal, and animated films involving lost princesses and improbable princes. “This creates the illusion of depth,” he said. “In reality, they consistently fail to recognize genuine romantic interest when it appears in non-cinematic form”. He added that most eventually settle into prolonged disappointment after partnering with someone who resembles neither royalty nor destiny.
“They possess excessive bharams but insufficient sense”. Mr. Soomro concluded.
Before further elaboration, Dr. Walker interjected with a discovery made moments earlier. “I just Googled an Urdu phrase that perfectly summarizes our findings…” he said, reading aloud: ‘Bharam tight, pateela khali’. The phrase drew audible appreciation from the room, particularly when repeated at the request of the press, its impact amplified by Dr. Walker’s cute Canadian pronunciation. Mr. Soomro nodded solemnly, visibly frustrated at having been pre-empted.
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