A previously overlooked technicality in the U.S. Constitution has resulted in the unexpected designation of Rashid Malik, an irrigation contractor from Bahawalpur, Pakistan, as the supreme ruler of the United States, according to a late-night memorandum circulated among confused constitutional scholars.
The determination follows a routine audit of succession clauses, footnotes, and marginal annotations conducted by a bipartisan legal review panel tasked with “…[sic] seeing what else might be in there…”. The panel concluded that a chain of conditional contingencies laid down by the founding fathers, triggered by overlapping interpretations of eligibility, residency, and an 18th-century comma, legally transfers ultimate authority to Malik.
Malik, 62, had no prior knowledge of his constitutional status and was reportedly asleep at the time the finding was finalized. Reached by phone, he expressed surprise after waking up from sleep and asked whether the role required relocation. “I have commitments here,” he said, adding that he would need time to consult his first wife and also his second wife.
Officials in Washington stressed that the development does not immediately affect daily governance. “Everything will continue as normal as it always has in absence of a supreme ruler…”, a senior administration source said, noting that the Constitution does not specify how a supreme ruler is to be informed, inaugurated, or resisted.
Legal experts said the clause likely went unnoticed because it appears in a section commonly skipped by readers who “…already feel confident they know how this works…” One professor described the outcome as “deeply inconvenient, textually sound, and unfortunately a need of the hour…”.
Malik’s neighbors in Bahawalpur said he is known for punctual bill payments, firm opinions on water pressure, and a general disinterest in global affairs. When informed of his new status, one neighbor said, “Malik saab jeda hor koi in punj pindaan wich kadi jamiya hee nai”.
