A 29-year-old man who was briefly held at gunpoint last night later expressed in presence of close friends “… meri tatti jaam ho gai shukar”, that despite the threat to his life, he maintained his dignity in front of a woman he has been trying to impress for three weeks.
According to an initial statement given to police, the heterosexual man and his new romantic interest who is equally if not more heterosexual were driving back from a late coffee run when they had a run-in with another couple who turned out to be two likely hetrosexual armed muggers on a CD70, who stopped them near a dimly lit stretch of the service lane. The victim complied immediately, handed over his phone and wallet, and maintained what authorities later described as “…an unexpectedly stable posture for someone who could have easily shit his pants…”.
Witness accounts confirm that the woman, who had only recently begun responding to his messages with more than two-word replies, remained calm throughout the brief incident. The man, however, is believed to have experienced what one officer called “a full internal crisis unrelated to the firearm”. Sources close to him say he had been extremely nervous about the outing, describing the woman as “way out of his league,” and had spent much of the evening worrying about saying something embarrassing. Surviving an armed robbery without producing any involuntary sounds or substances, he reportedly told friends later, now ranks as his “strongest first impression to date.”
“It could’ve happened had this gone on for another few seconds but luckily it didn’t thanks to Mars being in retrograde.” — Sub Inspector Jamshed Ismaeel.
While giving his report, victim reportedly clarified — unprompted — that at no point did he lose control of his bowels, adding that this was “objectively the highlight of the night.” Police noted that this information, though medically irrelevant, was offered with notable pride.
