Karachi — With the help of a high profile research on the streets of Karachi it has been discovered that the random street vendors who try to make you buy crappy roses, wind-shield wipers, lame aero plane models made by starving children in China, back-scratching thingies and other random shit, leave people alone if they look really sad and heart-broken. The study was conducted to monitor the behavior of the street vendors and beggars by a private organization because they had too much money and didn’t want to use it to feed the starving children in China.
The result of the research were shared with the press in a press release along with a 246 page documentation of the study. In detail the research finds that the street vendors use their strong noses to track possible customers. The noses of the vendors over years of experience and evolution have become smart enough to ignore the smog and the smell of burning fuel that one can smell on a traffic signal, and fixate on the possible-customer-scent that people travelling in cars emit.
The documentation elaborated that in this day and age of consumerism everyone is emitting this subliminal scent that attracts the vendors like flowers attract bees. The street hawkers, vendors and beggars use their sharp nasal cavities to lock on the nectar. Another tool that these ferocious creatures use is their strong sight which can identify a possible prey from a long distance. The predators have evolved over the years on the traffic signals of Karachi and have honed several of their attack tools and extra-terrestrial like methodology.
According to further detail of the study, these natural born predators latch on to their prey as the cars arrive on traffic signals. As soon as the signal turns from green to yellow their keen sense of sight and smell are activated and they kickstart their identification of prey. The smell of customer directs them through the cars and their eyes help them lock in to an eye contact. The passenger in the car cannot undo that eye contact and is attacked by the beast with all sorts of stories of dead parents and innocent siblings.
Possibly the only way to avoid becoming vendor food, one has to look really sad and upset. The analysis of the report suggests that the sad pathetic look on the face of a person confuses the vendor as they cannot focus and identify their prey. So far, this might just be the only way to avoid the annoying vendors who try to sell you shit that you don’t need and won’t need to use in a long time. The research report stresses that the level of sadness has to be epic in order to successfully confuse the fucker.
“…it was also noticed that everyone looks sad or angry in Karachi now and these animals have evolved to ignore that”, the documentation reads. The “sad face look” has been categorized in to levels in the documentation. The levels of “sad face look” range from 1 to 7, where “Level 1 Sad Face” means that you had a bad morning, “Level 3 Sad Face”: Your boss gave you hell, “Level 5 Sad Face”: You found your significant other cheating on you. Level 6 Sad Face states that you must look like you were raped only a few minutes back and Level 7 Sad Face means you were raped by Amir Liaquat.
The most successful sad faces range some where between level 4 and 7 with the latter being successful all the time. The research suggests that in order to put the ferocious beasts of the traffic signals in to a tailspin, one must prepare themselves look sad 2 minutes before approaching a red light. Upon contacting Amir Liaquat the reporter was told that he does not rape people and that the Level 7 Sad Look can never be achieved except in theory.
